Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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