it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
