Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
