mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats