I wanna bring you to show and tell
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
