who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
