how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
