I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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