And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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