I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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