I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
