Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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