Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
