So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
