I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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