his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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