Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
