we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
