so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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