chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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