the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Someone shattered a urinal.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
