We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
