Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
