My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
