My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
