I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
