ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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