i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
