Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
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Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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