....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There's always time for handjobs
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
