i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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