they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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