whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
