you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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