If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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