I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
