i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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