threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
