why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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