Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
