why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
