I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
