I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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