woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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