Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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