I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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