so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
