I could make wine with my vomit
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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