i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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