Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
