I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
