New invention idea: vibrating tampons
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
