Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
