Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
