I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
