mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
