and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
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That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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