he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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