i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
