im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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