i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
As shirtless as possible
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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